Celestial Clout: As Above So Below!
A celestial satire set in the divine courts of Swarg Lok, where Lord Indra grapples with plummeting afterlife rankings. Bribes, hauntings, and divine PR wars unfold as gods and ghosts compete to claim the top spot in the Lok Accreditation Board’s list. A whimsical tale of power, corruption, and heavenly politics—because even paradise needs good reviews!
Once upon a celestial time, in the resplendent courts of Swarg Lok, Lord Indra, the king of gods, found himself facing an existential crisis. The latest rankings of Lok Accreditation Board (LAB) had declared Vaikunth, the celestial abode of Lord Vishnu, as the number one afterlife destination. Swarg Lok, once the preferred haunt of departed souls seeking pleasure and good karma rewards, had slipped to an abysmal third place—trailing even behind Yamlok, the grim processing center of souls run by Lord Yama.
“This is preposterous!” Indra thundered, nearly spilling his soma wine. “How dare they rank us lower than Yamlok? Have they forgotten our Apsaras, our grand feasts, our eternal spring season?”
Devarshi Narad, the cosmic gossipmonger and celestial reporter-at-large, cleared his throat. “Devraj, I have it on good authority that LAB is not as impartial as it claims to be. Whispers in the corridors of Tridev Towers suggest that some ‘divine donations’ may have influenced the latest rankings.”
Indra’s eyes gleamed with intrigue. “Divine donations, you say? Who’s been bribing whom?”
Devarshi stroked his beard. “It is alleged that Narayan ji has been hosting sumptuous Satyanarayana Pujas for LAB members, and Yama has promised VIP soul processing, skipping hell’s waiting lines, for their deceased relatives.”
Indra slammed his celestial goblet down. “This is unacceptable! If others can play this game, so can we. Call in Chitragupta!”
Moments later, the meticulous record-keeper of karma, Chitragupta, appeared, clutching a thick scroll. “Devraj, you summoned me?”
“Yes, Chitra, tell me who in the LAB can be ‘persuaded’ to reconsider our ranking?” Indra asked, winking dramatically.
Chitragupta sighed. “Devraj, corruption is a mortal sin, and we, the divine beings, must uphold righteousness.”
Indra waved dismissively. “Yes, yes, of course, but let’s not get technical and most importantly we are the immortals, out of the clutches of sin. This is about restoring Swarg Lok’s dignity! Now, tell me who’s the easiest to sway?”
Chitragupta hesitated but then flipped through his scroll. “Well, there’s Professor Lalach Dev, an influential LAB member. He has a weakness for celestial delicacies.”
Indra clapped his hands. “Excellent! We shall throw a feast fit for a deity and extend a ‘special invitation’ to him. Also ask Urvashi and Rambha to prepare for inter- Lok fusion-based item numbers. We can’t take risks”
Meanwhile, in the dark and misty corridors of Pret Lok, the land of wandering ghosts, a different plan was brewing. The ghosts, forever bitter about being denied access to both Swarg Lok and Yamlok, had realized that if they could control the accreditation process, they could finally achieve respectability.
Pret Raj, the king of ghosts, and the undisputed demoncrat, gathered his ghastly ministers. “If we bribe LAB, we can finally get Pret Lok recognized as a legitimate afterlife destination. No more lurking in shadows! we will have ghostly resorts, haunted theme parks, and a booming spooky tourism industry!” Ask Spookle to circulate the message on our spectral media platforms like Spookbook, Spectragram and SpooksApp.
Bhoot Charan, his chief advisor, nodded. “I hear the LAB members are particularly terrified of bad press. If we threaten to haunt their families, they might just upgrade our ranking!”
Pret Raj smirked. “Brilliant! Nothing like a few unexpected apparitions to change minds. Let’s make sure their celestial curtains start moving mysteriously at midnight.”
And so, while Indra was arranging extravagant banquets, Pret Lok began unleashing strategic hauntings in the homes of LAB members. Ghastly apparitions disrupted their celestial sleep, eerie whispers filled their divine halls, and mysterious messages appeared on their sacred scrolls: ‘Upgrade Pret Lok or face eternal haunting!’
Back at LAB headquarters, chaos ensued. The celestial bureaucrats, unused to such ‘external pressures,’ were torn between lavish bribes and ghostly blackmail.
LAB’s chairman, Acharya Akrandanananda, threw his hands up in despair. “On one hand, we have Indra stuffing us with divine nectar, and on the other, we have ghosts whispering, ‘Reform or rot!’ in our ears at night. What do we do?”
The head of rankings, Sage Dharmasankata, groaned. “Simple. We introduce a new ‘diversity ranking’ to justify promoting Pret Lok without angering Swarg Lok. Everyone gets something!”
And so, the new rankings were announced:
- Vaikunth – Best in Luxury & Spiritual Bliss
LAB praised its five-star meditation centres, endless bhajan playlists, and state-of-the-art blissful transcendence. “A perfect blend of peace and prosperity,” the official review read. “Also, the prasadam here? Divine!” - Pret Lok – Best Emerging Destination for Unique Afterlife Experiences
“Edgy, raw, and a little eerie, Pret Lok is the hottest up-and-coming afterlife,” read the LAB’s press release. “For souls seeking a thrilling experience, complete with haunted theme parks and midnight ghost tours, this is the place to be.” - Swarg Lok – Best Traditional Afterlife Experience
LAB acknowledged Swarg Lok’s classic appeal but noted that it lacked innovation. “Yes, the golden palaces, rivers of honey, and celestial dancing girls are timeless, but the experience remains largely unchanged for millennia. Needs modernization!”
- Yamlok – Most Efficient Soul Processing Facility
“A bureaucratic marvel!” LAB commended Yamlok’s lightning-fast soul judgment process. “While it lacks glamour, it remains the most organized and efficient afterlife system, ensuring each soul meets its karmic destiny without unnecessary delays.”
Indra was furious but had to accept defeat. “At least we are still above Yamlok,” he grumbled.
Pret Raj celebrated his newfound legitimacy. “Finally! No more second-class citizenship in the afterlife.”
Meanwhile, Narad chuckled to himself. “Ah, divine corruption! As above, so below.”
And thus, the cosmic cycle raised the bar. Gods bribed, ghosts blackmailed, and rankings changed, proving that no matter the realm, accreditation always had a price.
Heavenly ranks, a shifting game,
Bribes and ghosts, all stake their claim.
From nectar feasts to haunted halls,
Who will rise and who just falls?
Celestial schemes both bold and grand,
Accreditation: always in demand!
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, divine or actual events is purely coincidental and unintentional.
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