Normalizing AIDS (Appraisal & Increment Deficiency Syndrome)
When even the gods of Indralok aren’t spared from corporate-style performance appraisal, chaos ensues! From Yamraj defending high attrition rates to Saraswati blaming poor education funding, divine beings face their toughest challenge yet—justifying their KPIs.
The perception of the divine beings living happily ever after and getting away scot-free by inflicting all kinds of hazards on the poor mortal below was spreading like wildfire and dominating the divine media. With the budget being passed recently, the lesser mortals were in great confusion: is the newly passed budget a boon or bane? Failing to navigate a way out of this, whether to cry or smile situation, they started trolling the gods and goddesses mercilessly. The Celestial Executive Officer, Indra was highly perturbed and decided to evaluate the performance of the divine employees of his celestial organisation during appraisal. To add insult to injury Narad was dishing out all sorts of concocted versions of fatalistic tales of human torture by the gods, through his privately owned Lok Sanchari TV. And all of this to increase the Theosophical Rating Point of his channel, “Narayan Wants to Know!” Utterly shameful!
‘The taxes of Karma should be levied on the immortals too’, declared Indra.
The celestial corridors of Indralok were abuzz with tension. It was that dreaded time of the year when the Gods, yes, even the mighty ones, had to endure the annual appraisal ritual. The great CEO of Indralok had decreed that all gods would be subjected to performance reviews, just like the distressed mortals below.
One by one, the lesser gods trudged into the grand hall of performance assessments. Lord Vayu, the god of winds, entered first. His immediate manager, Varuna, the god of the seas, greeted him with the same forced enthusiasm that managers in the corporate world reserve for the unfortunate souls entering their cabins.
“Vayu,” Varuna began, adjusting his golden-rimmed glasses, “Let’s review your KRAs. Your primary responsibility was to maintain balanced wind currents across Bhulok (Earth). However, I see reports of cyclones, hurricanes, and unexpected dust storms. What happened?” Vayu sighed. “Boss, I did my best, but Shiva sneezed during his meditation, and we had an unplanned typhoon situation. Not my fault!”
After much back and forth, Varuna and Vayu agreed on a ‘Meets Expectations’ rating. “Fair enough,” Varuna nodded. “You’ll get what you deserve.”
Similar conversations unfolded across Indralok. Agni, the fire god, defended himself against allegations of overcooking Earth’s summers, while Surya, the Sun God, was accused of ‘low engagement scores’ for being too punctual and predictable in his daily routine. Even Chitragupta, the eternal Death Resource (DR) representative and record keeper of karma, found himself in a heated discussion about ‘employee morale’ with Yamraj, the god of death, who was accused of ‘excessive attrition rates.’
“Yamraj,” he began, “we need to talk about your attrition rates. Too many souls are leaving Bhulok. The higher-ups aren’t pleased.”
Yamraj rolled his eyes. “Yeah? Tell that to the humans. They keep eating junk, stressing out, and ignoring their health. What am I supposed to do? Introduce yoga sessions in Narak?”
Goddess Saraswati, the deity of wisdom and learning, entered the hall with an air of confidence. But her manager, Brihaspati, shook his head grimly.
“Saraswati, your knowledge distribution metrics are all over the place. Half the world is failing basic math, and the other half is writing conspiracy theories instead of research papers. And quite a large number of published academic papers are being retracted. Care to explain?”
She folded her arms. “Maybe if Lakshmi invested in better school funding instead of showering people with lottery wins, we wouldn’t be in this mess?”
Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth, gasped in outrage. “Oh, please! At least my KPIs show positive cash flow! Unlike you, who’s stuck in an endless cycle of student loan debts!”
Parvati, goddess of power and devotion, faced a different kind of struggle.
“Parvati,” Indra began cautiously during her appraisal, “there have been complaints that you’re spending too much time on personal projects—like turning into Kali and going on battlefield rampages. Work-life balance is important, but…”
Parvati raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me? Are you saying a working goddess can’t have a side hustle? Shiva meditates for centuries while I handle everything, and I don’t see his KPIs being questioned!”
Indra coughed and quickly moved on.
With great relief, the gods wrapped up their evaluations, secure in the knowledge that they had at least secured a fair rating. The air lightened, the celestial vines bloomed, and Amrit shots were passed around in the post-appraisal celebration. But the GRD (God Resource Department) chuckled in silence.
Then, it happened. The emails arrived.
The message from the God Resource Department (GRD) hit their divine inboxes like a meteor of despair. Every single god gasped in disbelief as they saw their ratings nosedive. ‘Meets Expectations’ had magically transformed into ‘Needs Improvement’!
A great wail rose across Indralok.
“WHAT? How did my ‘Exceeds Expectations’ become ‘Below Expectations’?!” shouted Agni, his flames flickering in outrage.
Varuna, who had himself just received his own downgraded rating, looked equally perplexed. “I swear, I didn’t change anything! This must have come from above.”
All eyes turned to Brihaspati, the Chief Deity of Strategy and Wisdom. He adjusted his cosmic robes and muttered, “This is above even my divine pay grade.”
Finally, the gods stormed into Indra’s chamber. “Boss, what’s going on? Our ratings have been changed!”
Indra, reclining on his celestial sofa, glanced at them nonchalantly. “Ah, yes. The Grand Committee of Devas did a normalization process. It’s a best practice, you see. Can’t have too many gods in the ‘Exceeds Expectations’ category. Balance, my friends, balance.”
“BUT WHO DID THIS?” the gods demanded in unison.
Indra shrugged. “Even I don’t know. It just happens. Cosmic forces, I suppose. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a divine poker game with Narad Muni.”
And thus, the appraisal season ended in Indralok, just as it does in every mortal corporate office. The gods grumbled but accepted their fate, knowing well that next year, the same charade would repeat.
Meanwhile, in some unknown, ethereal realm of bureaucracy, a celestial committee chuckled, sipping their divine nectar, preparing for the next year’s great normalization process.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, divine or actual events is purely coincidental and unintentional.
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