Farewell Kolkata Trams, Hello Chaos!
In a baffling move, the government has decided to retire Kolkata’s iconic trams, citing traffic congestion as the reason. But will the removal of these pollution-free, heritage symbols truly solve the city’s vehicular chaos? A satirical reflection on modernity, heritage, and the city’s future.
Oh, how marvellously clever! The government, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the best way to tackle congestion is by withdrawing the trams—those delightful, pollution-free, slow-as-a-snail-yet-quaint-as-a-teapot relics. Yes, those ancient beasts of burden, trundling along at the breakneck speed of a leisurely Sunday stroll, are clearly the source of all our traffic woes. Never mind the three thousand rickshaws, the hordes of honking cars, the most unruly union backed Autos or the swarm of motorcycles weaving through the city like caffeinated bees in a field of confused flowers. In Calcutta everyone is in a hurry but no one is on time. What an irony. But the government has found the eternal secret behind the traffic congestions. It’s those pesky trams, with their polite ding-ding and graceful pace, that are gumming up the works.
After all, why would anyone want to preserve a 150-year-old cultural icon? A mere heritage of the City of Joy—pfft, who needs history when you can have more chaos on the roads? I mean, it’s not like the tram has been a constant presence since 1873, steadily chugging along like your granddad’s favourite pipe, puffing out exactly zero fumes. No, no, let’s not get misty-eyed about its environmental benefits either. What is a little fresh air compared to the thrill of being stuck in traffic for hours, enveloped in the delightful aroma of exhaust fumes? Who needs nostalgia when you can have noise pollution?
The decision to keep one route operational—ah, what generosity! I do believe I shall faint with gratitude. One lonely tram, valiantly soldiering on, much like the last biscuit in a tin—sad, soggy, but still somehow expected to keep the whole institution alive. “Oh, you wanted the full tram experience?” says the government, “Well, you can still take a ride… if you happen to live near that one blessed route. Otherwise, dear citizens, it’s back to the bumper-to-bumper carnival of combustion engines for you!”
And the logic behind it all—because, of course, there is always flawless logic—is that trams and vehicles simply can’t coexist. Imagine! Vehicles and trams on the same road—utter madness! As if other cities around the world haven’t managed this Herculean feat with the slightest modicum of planning. No, here in Kolkata, the very idea that we might tweak a few things to allow trams to glide past without causing vehicular gridlock is obviously far too complex.
I, for one, applaud the government for prioritising congestion over heritage, pollution over sustainability, and, of course, chaos over common sense. Because really, what is modernity if not the art of making sure we forget the very things that gave our city its charm in the first place? So, to the trams, we say goodbye—except for that one plucky survivor. May it roll on, as confused as we are, into a future full of honking cars and choked roads. Cheers to progress! Or, as they say in the government, job well botched!
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