A touching tale of Alka who is struggling to conceive and is overwhelmed by negative thoughts as she deals with the disappointment of failed attempts. She tries to find ways to keep a positive outlook and finally, she becomes pregnant, but her joy is short-lived as she experiences a chemical pregnancy, leaving her feeling devastated and confused.
The greatest joy for a women is when she becomes a mother. The news of pregnancy brings immediate joy to the entire family. But….
The question is why me? Why I am going through such turmoil in life? What is wrong with my karma? It seems a riot of negative thoughts is engulfing you.
Alka is pondering with moist eyes. Life has taken many turns, crossing each hurdle with new enthusiasm wasn’t easy. But she never rested, each month she is on a mission – a mission to be a mother, a mission to hold her child, a mission to embrace motherhood, has become a prime aim in her life. She is still sitting on her couch, sipping her usual black coffee – as she has heard it is good for pregnancy. In her mind, she is trying to settle down with the chaos and multiple failures. Her dates are very regular, she is not sure how to narrate this to Sanjay who is still sleeping. Grasping some air, she rushes to her daughter’s room to console her unsettled mind and heart. She kissed her forehead, and she assured herself if God has different plans, “let it be so”. Her daughter is not aware of her mother’s dilemma and thankfully she should not be too. But the hollowness inside the heart has to be remodeled soon for the next month. Healing has no time. Let us wipe the tears and start the day with a firm belief tomorrow holds happiness and grieving can wait.
The doorbell rang and it broke the uncanny silence of her home. It is the domestic help who is very regular. She got up, combed her unorganized hair and smiled herself, and rushed to open the door. Monotonous busy schedules of duties and responsibilities followed her. Projects, deadlines, and home duties – she tackled everything along with tapping the ovulation dates every month. But this month, it is not the same. She threw her i-can inside the dustbin, it has been a year that this kit is rendering her the false dates which are tearing her heart. She almost forgot to laugh, to shake her legs. A glass of wine is a nightmare for her. One opportunity missed is another month of a disheartening episode.
But this month is not the same. She got ready for the office, she took out her glossy red lipstick, brushed her long lustrous hair, and hurriedly took her phone to check the emails. But with the sound, Sanjay woke up and planted a kiss on her lips. Situations can be grim but their love has always been a pillar of strength and power. Can’t share the news of despair with him. It is a fresh day and again turning the page of discontent and exasperation is not easy to take.
Months after months, days rolled by. She has intentionally kept her busy with the client vacations which were pending for a long time. She gave time for her mind to relax and breathe. She joined Zumba classes and had her weekend parties to give her body attention which was unnoticed for a long time. Life was stagnant for her ever since she planned to have another child to complete her family.
It is a Sunday. Last night has been crazy. Bunch of friends, night-long gossip, craziness has no boundaries. She somehow managed to wake up with a hangover and a slight headache. She went to the washroom, her head was banging. She saw her phone and it was 9.40 Am and the date is 26th September. It has been a month of so many catchups and memories. Suddenly, she again read the date – it is 26th September. She burst into tears from the nirvana she is trembling with fear of anxiousness. She is late by 10 days. She searched for her pregnancy kit and it is so difficult to find when you are numb. Finally, it fell from the box of stuff which was lying just beside the medical kit, but in a moment of intoxication and paralysis, everything is so cloudy. The waiting began and after 1 minute, she peeped at the test with one eye and saw the two lines, not so dark, but there are two lines. She ran to inform Sanjay, they are still in shock of disbelief but there the result is which is so clear. They jumped with ecstasy and exultation. They were on cloud 9. Like a child of 10 years, she informed her family and friends. She has no time to wait because it was long overdue and happiness is so difficult to hide from your well-wishers. She took good care of herself, everything seems so perfect like a beautiful picturesque. Two weeks passed by like a dream of a fairy tale. She is busy planning, touching her belly now and then. She relaxed as much as she could, little did she know that it is so short-lived. The family came together with glee.
One fine morning, she woke up with blood spots. Then as the day passed by, it turned out to be heavy bleeding. She is in no condition to think. She cried loud, as if her whole world has crushed down. They quickly booked an appointment with the gynecologist. She somehow managed to put herself together to know what is going on.
Inside the elevator, Sanjay is determined that they do not want another child. It is not easy, let us not make life difficult. But she is not paying attention to anything because her focus is to pray to Maa Durga.
Doctor took her for an early scan, but they couldn’t find the fetus. It is not there, completely slaughtered. There was no sign of pregnancy or abortion. She shouted at the doctor, why the pregnancy test came positive? If there is nothing, am I mad? After the scan, the doctor explained to her that it is chemical pregnancy – a term that is alien to us. The doctor patiently explained them. It is a union of sperm and egg but due to some chromosomal disbalance, it is broken and the HCG levels start decreasing. Finally, you are again bleeding like a normal period. Hence, it is also called an early miscarriage, with no apparent reason and there is no way it can be prevented. With a heavy heart, a lot of agonies, and devastation, they reached home. Tears are unstoppable. Pillows are wet and the home was bleeding too with their hopes. Some pain is unexplainable as now it is not just them, it is the family and friends who will be informed one by one. Their unasked sympathies are going to prick their heart multiple times. Now, the healing process won’t be easy. Now the glare of others is on her and her restlessness is permanently attached to her emotions. No! The people who will enquire about her pregnancy and abortion are not considerate, here they are going to pass unnecessary comments about her undisciplined and chaotic life and recent weight gain.
Previously, it was just her disappointment. She wasn’t haunted by a sudden onset of advice and judgment. Now, the scenario has turned out to be a battlefield where the defense is injured and the opponent is attacking left and right. Words of encouragement and compassion are still very less. We are busy putting one another down by any means possible. We just need an excuse to settle our scores, be it pregnancy, office work, family life, or anything. I feel that is the reason why depression has a profound name. People are dealing with this mental illness every day. Here, we don’t like to discuss the suffering and the wound inside takes the form of cancer or some other incurable disease. A chemical pregnancy is normal but we don’t understand how to deal with the process, how to keep our patience, how we can gather the courage, and how to dive back again into life. Suddenly, every door seems closed. No office gives you an abortion leave. Because they assume it is over, so let us be back in the office and work with dedication. But it is hardest when you are emotionally and physically torn apart. Still, life moves on. The soreness of the heart is baffling.
Alka stood one fine day, locked her memories of love and attachment for her unborn child inside her deep-down heart. Her child couldn’t get a body or shape, but the soul is still there. Keeping her memories was the only thing left, and so be it. Kindness and patience work wonder when you are in challenging times. Lend your shoulder to the people who are dealing with stress and anxiety. Because the soul is on a journey where some roads are broken and slippery. Just like pregnancy is a blessing for every woman, when you are deprived of motherhood, every false and inappropriate word insults your spirit and you slowly slip into self-assessment and low confidence. Loss of an unborn child is very significant, be it chemical or a normal abortion. Sometimes for some unfortunate woman child loss is connected to Ill fate and deadly karma, the society calls them unpleasant names and derogatory comments. Harshness on so delicate and sensitive subjects is never welcomed.
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Priyasha is an astrologer by profession, a foodie to the core, a shutki maachh ‘proselytiser’ , a mother of two beautiful souls, and the lead chef in her house. Singing and writing her dearly held hobbies. She writes to us from Bangalore